When I was 4 my dad tragically died. When I was 7 my sister moved to boarding school. When I was 10 my mom got remarried. When I was 12 I moved to boarding school. When I was 13 I started going though horrific depression which Im still going through. When I was 16 my mom got divorced from my then stepdad. But everyday of my life it’s been slowly crumbling and turning to shit.
That is my timeline and how I see my life in my mind.
I have always felt incredibly alone, & my only solace was my loving mother who I felt I could say anything to and be who I truly am around her. It’s just that when she got married, though the marriage, divorce and post divorce (basically since the day she met B we’ll call him) our relationship was different. I had to lie about everything. Because my mom and I have had such a rocky relationship especially the past 2 years I have found my love for her dwindling which truly scared the life out of me. I almost resent her now for not doing enough, giving me enough, not noticing my struggles when I barely left my bed let alone bedroom for 6 years because of my depression. I just feel as if I have been overlooked. What about my illness I couldn’t even look in the mirror without crying for 5 years. I thought the one person I dedicated myself to and spend so much time with would see that.
My mom shared her heart, life, house, children, and future with someone who said they loved kids then the second the wildly secret lavish wedding happened he told her to get rid of my sister and I. This is around when my crippling social anxiety started, and eventually got so bad I barely left my bed for 6 years.I also might have been or appeared slightly spoiled (the big house, private school etc, BUT GUESS WHAT WE HAD 2 MOVE AND I DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL IN GRADE 6) child occasionally but that’s only because material items in excess made me feel as if I hadn’t lost something/someone/ a part of myself. But I have always been so grateful and understanding and I have always seen my moms suffering and I tried to help as best as I could and the only way I knew how, which was to take care of myself. I thought if i took total control of myself that my mom could focus on financially supporting our family.
I have no social media, my friends and I don’t have each others phone numbers but I can tell they shut me out of their lives.We got on as kids but i just feel that Im a much emotionally deeper person who cares about the real, not random buys and loosing my virginity before college. I just didn’t fit in with them anymore.
Though my personal struggles with my looks and self esteem I’ve learned that I have no-one to depend on other than myself. & I know if my daddy was here he would help me, because he has been watching down on me wanting to help, I feel his embrace I feel him calling out to me and that has been food for my soul.
No-one has any right to comment on my relationship with my mom, even if we are fighting.
You have no idea what we went through, in that big house, isolated from everyone and everything only having each other.
The nights on the basement floor cowering from a drug addict abuser.
She was my everything, she still is and we must get back to the way it used to be.
Through the abusive from the ex boyfriends, husband, nannies I had to put up with because of the circumstances surrounding my dad I had hope that my mom and I would be a force to be reckoned with, but alas to no prevail.
So I sit here today, fat, ugly, depressed, stupid (not a graduate and guess what I’M NOT getting my GED) and worst of all ALONE without my once loving and always there for me mother.
So this is a plea to you mom. Please forgive me for anything I’ve done. It has to go back to the way it was or I truly don’t know what to do with myself. I honestly can’t and won’t live another moment like this, I’d rather be dead.
© Alana Hope 2016 All Rights Reserved
© Do This Not That 2016 All Rights Reserved
See more at: http://dothisnotthat.com & our app “Do This Not That” on both the android and IPhone.